silly questions

That's right, folks. After years of exhaustive research and persistent pestering, We have found evidence that the English language does not recognize the logical ninth word in the above sequence. Nonuple exists only in French. The Oxford Unabridged, The Merriam-Webster Unabridged, and the Unabridged American Standard dictionaries skip directly from octuple to decuple.

We here at avenu believe that the missing nonuple is actually kept in a crypt directly under I. M. Pei's glass pyramid at the Louvre

Q. How do I get into the DCL?

A. You visit the departmental office associated with your major. Whoever drives the front desk can tell you the procedure for getting your own DCL access code.

Q. Which of my instructors once got drunk with Frank Lloyd Wright?

A. Otto Poticha did. Go ahead and ask him about it. We dare you.

Q. What does DCL stand for?

A. Um...De Computer Lab?

Q. Where's the elevator?

A. The elevator in Lawrence Hall occupies the hideous tower on the far north side (the Franklin side) of the building, next to the loading dock. It is named Big Red. Big Red runs all night. There is another elevator in Pacific Hall on the west side between the "L" and Onyx Bridge. It has no name and seems to keep banker's hours. As a rule of thumb, any elevator that is easily found is not available for student use. Obscure, hidden, camouflaged elevators are your best bet.

Q. Why is Lawrence Hall so ugly?

A. Lawrence Hall started life in 1901 as a perfectly innocent building called Mechanical Hall that housed classes in engineering and the university's electrical power plant. In 1914, William C. Knighton built the Architecture Building right next door to Mechanical Hall. In 1923, the two buildings were expanded and joined to form a courtyard. In 1941, the creature grew wings. The metal siding showed up in 1957. LSD was outlawed in 1966. Nevertheless, the concrete towers sprouted in 1971. The fake brick on the south facade was added by BOORA architects in 1991. Referred to as "The Incident," it is not possible to get survivors to talk about their experiences during that time and there are no eyewitness accounts extant.

Biologists tell us that Lawrence Hall is not, in fact, a building. Instead, it is a parasitic organism that engulfs and digests otherwise healthy structures. We at avenu hope that someday historians, working with a team of experts in therapeutic hypnosis, can help these trauma victims to recover their lost memories. Those who cannot remember architectural history are doomed to repeat it.

Q. How can I print something?

A. First, you go here:

http://aaa.uoregon.edu/computing/index.cfm?mode=output

Then you follow the confusing instructions. If that doesn't work, go to the window of the Output Room next to the DCL on the second floor of Lawrence Hall (near the Hearth). There are usually brochures there that explain it. If there are no brochures or you still have questions, try talking to the nice person at the Output Room window. No matter how silly you may think your question is, he or she has heard sillier. We know. We asked it. (It was, "What comes after octuple?")

Q. Who's that guy in the box?

A. That's Fred. He's there to sell you the sort of things normally found in the University of Oregon Bookstore art department. Please don't tap on the glass. Fred has an extra-sensitive set of nerves along his pectoral line that he uses for sensing prey in the open ocean. Tapping on the glass causes shockwaves to impact painfully on this specialized organ.

Q. Which of my instructors attended both Harvard and Yale?

A. Nancy Yen-Wen Cheng. If you are interested in the Curriculum Vitae (Latin for "Quo Vadis") of your instructors, you can find it at:

http://architecture.uoregon.edu/index.cfm?mode=people&page=faculty for architecture,

http://art-uo.uoregon.edu/index.cfm?mode=faculty for art,

http://arthistory.uoregon.edu/index.cfm?mode=research for art history,

http://aad.uoregon.edu/index.cfm?mode=faculty for arts and admin,

http://landarch.uoregon.edu/index.cfm?mode=people for landscape architecture,

http://hp.uoregon.edu/index.cfm?mode=faculty for historic preservation, and

http://pppm.uoregon.edu/dep/faculty.html for pppm.

Some of the sites listed also contain links to faculty publications. These are useful when choosing your next instructor or kissing up to your present one.

Q. Can I get food delivered to my studio at 3AM?

Q. What is this thing called Entourage?

A. When it is not busy being a television series, Entourage is your friend. It is a book of traceable, scaled images perfect for filling up holes in architectural sketches and technical drawings. Ever wonder where all those strolling people, abstract trees and casually parked cars featured in architectural presentations come from? You can find them, and more, in Entourage. It is generally available at the AAA library.

Q. No, seriously, why is Lawrence Hall so ugly?

Q. How can I get my boyfriend to dance with me?

A. Practice naked.

Q. Where's the best place to nap in the greater metropolitan AAA area?

A. The best place is generally thought to be on the third floor of Lawrence Hall, on the access ramp behind the wooden bench and next to the locked library entrance. It is secluded, quiet and dark. Nappers will want to bring their own pillows and blankies.

Q. Will I be damned forever if I try to print directly from Illustrator or Photoshop?

A. You will not be damned forever. However, you will be in purgatory for however long it takes your file to print, which will be anywhere between a long, long, long time and for-freaking-ever. If, by some miracle, your file does print and you are released from purgatory, all those people waiting in line for their own files to print will be damning you for what will seem like an eternity.

The official printing instructions offered by http://aaa.uoregon.edu/computing/index.cfm?mode=output can explain the technical details to you. In the meantime, just remember that the only sure way to be saved is by converting everything to PDF before printing.

Q. What is the correct answer to, "What's your favorite color?"

A. Blue! No, red! Aaaarrrggghhhh! Splat.

Q. Which instructor showed up for her final review the day after giving birth?

A. That would be Glenda Fravel Utsey. This is why she's Glenda Fravel Utsey and we're not.

Q. Do I have access to some godlike creature who can solve my computer problems?

A. No. You have access to at least TWO godlike creatures who can solve your computer problems. For your convenience, both of them are named "Chris".

Chris Jones, Director
Office: M285 Lawrence Hall
Phone: (541) 346-2094
Email: jonesey@uoregon.edu

Chris Wiesemann, Lab Manager
Office: M284 Lawrence Hall
Phone: (541) 346-2082
Email: chris@uoregon.edu

Both men are friendly, approachable, trustworthy, kind, reverent, thrifty, smart, good-looking and have great personalities.

Q. How can I make nearly any man worship me? Also some women?

A. Before answering, we must warn you that the secret knowledge you are about to obtain is powerful. Do not use it unless you are truly sure that you want to be worshipped.

Ready? Okay. Don't say we didn't warn you.

First, identify the object of your affection. Second, become passingly friendly with him or her. When the time is right, say the following:

"You know what? Next (insert appropriate day of the week) night, I'm going to cook up a big batch of (insert appropriate pasta) and watch the (insert appropriate sport) game on T.V. Want to spend the night?"

Said casually enough, this invitation is almost impossible to resist. It promises food, sports and company. Anything else is implied and, therefore, negotiable. It is also easily customized to fit any relationship. So enjoy yourself, be careful, and always use this power for good instead of evil.

Q. Am I fully prepared for The People's Restroom experience?

A. Have you been to the Country Fair? Burning Man? The clothing-optional portions of Breitenbush? Prison? Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of the Communist Party?

If not, you might want to use one of the other restrooms available throughout Lawrence and Pacific Halls.

Q. What happens to the clocks at Daylight Savings Time?

A. Squadrons of specialized university workers deploy throughout campus, remove all the clocks from the walls, and replace them with all new clocks set one hour ahead. No, we are not kidding. There are two complete sets of clocks. According to sources, it is more economical to keep two sets of clocks than it is to train people to change the time on one set of clocks twice a year.

What does that have to do with your life as an AAA student? Only this: No matter how much sense your life currently seems not to be making, it's probably just about average.

Q. What is the USR factor and can I use it to improve my ECS GPA?

A. USR stands for Ugly Stuff on the Roof. The amount of ugly stuff on the roof of any given building is directly proportional to how much an ECS instructor will love that building. Familiarizing yourself with the data on that building will probably serve you well.

Q. Will this be on the midterm?

A. Probably not. Unless you are in a class run by Professor Don Corner. Then, everything will be on the midterm. Know this and despair.